Funny Jokes

Can you identify yourself?

A blonde went into a bank to withdraw some money.

"Can you identify yourself?" asked the clerk.

The blonde opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."

A Pay Rise

Employee: "Boss, I've got married. Can I get a pay rise?"

Boss: "We do not compensate for the accidents that happen outside of the work place."

Where Are You?

Wife: "Where are you? Why aren’t you home yet?"

Husband: "Love, do you remember the jewellery shop on regent street where you saw a diamond necklace and fell in love with it and I couldn't afford it then, but I said 'I will get it one day for you'?"

Wife: "Yes I do, I do!"

Husband: "I am in the pub just next door to that."

Two Left Feet

A man with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and buys some flip flips.


Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother, "Oh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick, "What school?"

Eyebrows Too High

I told my girlfried she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

Every Man Needs A Wife

Every man needs a beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.

A Million Dollars

If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left?

A million dollars minus 75 cents.


Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?

The box said 2-4 years!

No One

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.