Enjoy our team's carefully selected dirty jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest dirty jokes with your friends!
“Knock! Knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Dee.”
“Dee, who?”
“DEEZ NUTS!”
😄 😄 😄
Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up... if you’re not in prison.
😄 😄 😄
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
😄 😄 😄
Remember, Christmas isn’t about how big the tree is, or what’s under it.
It’s about who’s around it.
😄 😄 😄
Let’s play carpenter so I can nail you.
😄 😄 😄
When two people have sex, it’s a twosome. When three people have sex, it’s a threesome.
Now I know why people call you handsome.
😄 😄 😄
Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
😄 😄 😄
One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts; I guess I should see a doctor.”
“Don’t do that! There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ￡10.”
Jeffrey figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the ￡10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”
Late that evening, whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited ￡10.00.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter’s using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife’s pregnant, with twin boys. They aren’t yours, get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!”
😄 😄 😄
A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives.
The carrot said, “My life sucks. When I get big and fat, they cut me up and cook me.”
The pickle said, “When I get big and fat, they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.”
The penis said, “When I get big and fat, they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!”
😄 😄 😄
A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home.
The man asks how his father is settling in.
“Oh, it’s wonderful, son. I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a Viagra before bed every night”.
When, leaving, curious to know about the Viagra, he asks a nurse.
“Excuse me, my dad told me that you serve him hot chocolate and a Viagra before bed every night, why?”
The nurse replies, “Oh, the hot chocolate is to help them fall asleep.”
“And the Viagra is to stop them rolling out of bed.”
😄 😄 😄
