How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?"
The robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I went to the movies!"
The father asks, "Which one?"
The robot slaps the son again.
"Okay, I was watching porn!"
The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.
What does in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.