Dirty Jokes

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Dirty Jokes

My wife returned home from a round of golf and said sheโ€™d been injured.

She told me sheโ€™d be hit between the first and second holes.

To which I replied, โ€œThat doesnโ€™t leave much room for a band aid.โ€

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Three guys decide to stop for a drink after work on Christmas Eve.

One thing leads to another, and they end up barhopping all night.

While going to one last place, they get in a terrible accident and all three are killed.

They find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, โ€œBoys, youโ€™re in luck. Since itโ€™s Christmas, we have a special policy. Show me anything that shows that youโ€™re celebrating the day, and you get into Heaven.โ€

One guy pulls out his lighter and flicks it, โ€œChristmas candle!โ€

St. Peter: โ€œOK, itโ€™s a stretch, but youโ€™re in.โ€

The second guy pulls out his keys and jingles them, โ€œChristmas bells!โ€

St. Peter: โ€œWhatever, youโ€™re in.โ€

The third guy pulls a pair of womenโ€™s panties out of his pocket.

St. Peter says, โ€œHold up. Iโ€™m willing to stretch a point today, but what do panties have to do with Christmas?โ€

Guy: โ€œTheyโ€™re Carolโ€™s.โ€

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Your mommaโ€™s so ugly, when she goes into a strip club, they pay her to keep her clothes on.

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So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69.

The boy doesnโ€™t know about 69, so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor, and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed, she stands up and apologizes.

She squats down for another go, but farts again, this time even louder than before. She gets up and apologizes again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend, red with anger, gets up hurriedly, and runs out saying, โ€œIf you think Iโ€™m gonna lie there and be farted 67 more times in my face, you are mad!โ€

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Iโ€™d love to get on my knees and show you my best donut smile.

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Today, a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

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My son is now at that age where heโ€™s curious about the human body.

I guess Iโ€™ll have to hide it somewhere else now...

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If sex is a pain in the ass, then youโ€™re doing it wrong...

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What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

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Two ADV riders camping out in a tent.

One of them crawls out to pee before bed.

Comes back all wet.

The other rider asks if itโ€™s rainy outside.

โ€œNo, itโ€™s windy.โ€

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