Dirty Jokes



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Dirty Jokes


“Dee was asking after you the other day.”

“Who is Dee?”

“DEEZ NUTS!”

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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer, it’s “art” and “music”.

But when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”.

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We just found out Grandpa is now addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than Grandma.

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A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys—one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...”

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“I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives.

The carrot said, “My life sucks. When I get big and fat, they cut me up and cook me.”

The pickle said, “When I get big and fat, they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.”

The penis said, “When I get big and fat, they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!”

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A poor man meets a rich man at Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?”

The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.”

The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?”

The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings, then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”

The poor man nods.

Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?”

The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”

The rich man asks, “Why those two things?”

The poor man astutely responds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”

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Seems like you sat on a big bag of sugar since you have such a sweet ass.

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“Don’t sit on that!”

“Sit on what?”

“Sit on DEEZ NUTS!”

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Husband: “Hey honey, how about a 69 tonight?”

Wife: “The number you have dialed is not in service at this time.”

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