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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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Old woman in church: "I've just done a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Husband: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't.

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β€œI’m sorry” and β€œI apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

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A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar."
Johnny asks, "Why?"
His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

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Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No you’re not."

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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Do not be racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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When the moth hit the windshield, what was the last thing to go through its mind? It's butt!

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, β€œWhat do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says β€œI’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, β€œThat’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, β€œI don’t care about what you think!”

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"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork?!"

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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There are two theories of arguing with women. Neither one works.

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Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know"
Blonde: "Why doesn't anyone know!"

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Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years."

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Husband: "Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet seat."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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Jesus was a typical man. They always say they'll come back, but you never see them again.

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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

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Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"

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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

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Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.

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What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"OMG, donut seeds!"

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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter, none of them work.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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What do all men in singles bars have in common? They're married.

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

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What does a basketball player do when he loses his eyesight? Becomes a referee.

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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

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β€œDad, how do stars die?”
β€œUsually an overdose.”

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Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

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