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Funny Jokes


Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years."

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My aunt is 86, but she doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight out of the bottle.

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

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What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter, none of them work.

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Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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What do all men in singles bars have in common? They're married.

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What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"OMG, donut seeds!"

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Mother, "How was school today, Johnny?"
Johnny, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Oh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Johnny, "What school?"

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Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know"
Blonde: "Why doesn't anyone know!"

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A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar."
Johnny asks, "Why?"
His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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β€œI’m sorry” and β€œI apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

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β€œDad, how do stars die?”
β€œUsually an overdose.”

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

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Husband: "Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet seat."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

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Why are basketball players messy eaters? They’re always dribbling.

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Do not be racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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When the moth hit the windshield, what was the last thing to go through its mind? It's butt!

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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, β€œWhat do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says β€œI’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, β€œThat’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, β€œI don’t care about what you think!”

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There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't.

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There are two theories of arguing with women. Neither one works.

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How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the guy pushing it.

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No you’re not."

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"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork?!"

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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

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