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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

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Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years."

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

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A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar."
Johnny asks, "Why?"
His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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What do all men in singles bars have in common? They're married.

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

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"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork?!"

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Do not be racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, β€œWhat do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says β€œI’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, β€œThat’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, β€œI don’t care about what you think!”

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

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What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"OMG, donut seeds!"

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Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know"
Blonde: "Why doesn't anyone know!"

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Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

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My aunt is 86, but she doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight out of the bottle.

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

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β€œI’m sorry” and β€œI apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!"

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Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No you’re not."

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

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Husband: "Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet seat."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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Jesus was a typical man. They always say they'll come back, but you never see them again.

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Why are basketball players messy eaters? They’re always dribbling.

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the guy pushing it.

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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"

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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter, none of them work.

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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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