Enjoy our team's carefully selected dirty jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest dirty jokes with your friends!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
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Got an e-mail today from a ‘bored housewife 33, looking for some action!’.
I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
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I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
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I'’m dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.
She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.
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A poor man meets a rich man at Christmas.
The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?”
The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.”
The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?”
The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings, then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”
The poor man nods.
Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?”
The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asks, “Why those two things?”
The poor man astutely responds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”
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Yo mama so sexy, the door hit her on the way out.
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Yo mama so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology from the condom factory.
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A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says, “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie?” the teacher asks. Susie says, “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
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A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys—one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...”
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