Enjoy our team's carefully selected dirty jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest dirty jokes with your friends!
Last night on ESPN, I was watching Womenโs beach volleyball.
About three minutes into the game, there was a really bad wrist injury.
The doctor said I should be fine in a few days though.
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Yo Mamaโs like a library, open to the public.
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How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
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How does Mrs. Claus make Santa feel better after a long night carrying so many heavy gifts?
She empties his sack.
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, โTell me, April, who created the universe?โ
When April didnโt stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
โGOD ALMIGHTY!โ shouted April.
The teacher said, โVery good!โ
And April fell back asleep.
A while later, the teacher asked April, โWho is our Lord and Savior?โ
But April didnโt even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
โJESUS CHRIST!โ shouted April.
The teacher said, โvery good!โ
And April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, โWhat did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?โ
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time, April jumped up and shouted, โIF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, IโLL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!โ
The Teacher fainted.
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One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, โMy elbow really hurts; I guess I should see a doctor.โ
โDonโt do that! Thereโs a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ๏ฟก10.โ
Jeffrey figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the ๏ฟก10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
โYou have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.โ
Late that evening, whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited ๏ฟก10.00.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
โYour tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughterโs using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wifeโs pregnant, with twin boys. They arenโt yours, get a lawyer.
And if you donโt stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!โ
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They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
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You look great in that outfit, but I bet youโd look even better in your birthday suit.
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I need a good place to think. Can I sit on your lap, and weโll see the first thing that pops up?
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What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez.
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