Enjoy our team's carefully selected dirty jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest dirty jokes with your friends!
Today, a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.
Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
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I asked my wife, “So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty?”
And you know what she said?
“Please, for the love of God, could you stop wearing my bras!”
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I need a good place to think. Can I sit on your lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up?
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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work.
One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God, hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled at her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. He started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective.
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes,” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside, “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes,” he answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”
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Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up... if you’re not in prison.
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Husband: “Hey honey, how about a 69 tonight?”
Wife: “The number you have dialed is not in service at this time.”
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Regular Santa: “Ho, ho, ho!”
Gay Santa: “Haaaayyy, haaaayyy, haaayyy!”
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Seems like you sat on a big bag of sugar since you have such a sweet ass.
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It’s almost thanksgiving, do you want to be the turkey and I can be the stuffing?
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A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys—one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...”
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