Enjoy our team's carefully selected dirty jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest dirty jokes with your friends!
โI bet you canโt tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,โ a husband says to his wife.
She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, โYour penis is bigger than your brotherโs.โ
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Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โIce cream.โ
โIce cream, who?โ
โIce cream all night if youโre lucky.โ
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One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, โMy elbow really hurts; I guess I should see a doctor.โ
โDonโt do that! Thereโs a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ๏ฟก10.โ
Jeffrey figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the ๏ฟก10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
โYou have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.โ
Late that evening, whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited ๏ฟก10.00.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
โYour tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughterโs using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wifeโs pregnant, with twin boys. They arenโt yours, get a lawyer.
And if you donโt stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!โ
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Yo mama is so ugly that she scared the crap out of the toilet.
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Why does Santaโs crotch make noise when he walks?
He has jingle balls.
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A wife walked in on her husband putting on a condom.
โWhat are you doing?โ she asked.
He replied, โWrapping your Christmas present!โ
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A man went to the doctor because he was having problems with premature ejaculation.
โTry surprising yourself when you feel like youโre about to ejaculate,โ the doctor said.
That following day, the man went to the store, purchased a starter gun, and dashed home to his wife.
That night, the two were making love and ended up in position 69.
The man felt the need to ejaculate and pulled out the starting pistol.
The next day, he returned to the doctor, who inquired about his progress.
The man answered, โNot well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my manhood, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.โ
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Do you like bacon? Want to strip?
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How does Mrs. Claus make Santa feel better after a long night carrying so many heavy gifts?
She empties his sack.
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Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โKhan.โ
โKhan, who?โ
โKhan-dom broke. I hope youโre on the pill!โ
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