Dirty Jokes

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Dirty Jokes

What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

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Your belt looks really tight. Can I loosen it for you?

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I’m 45 years old, and I just bought my very first sports car.

My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

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You must be ice cream because I wanna lick you up.

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There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

The next morning, an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads β€œIf you can catch me, you can have me”.

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

After this, he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.

The next morning, an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.

Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says β€œIf I catch you, you’re mine!”

The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

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A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: β€œCan I see your dad?”

Johnny: β€œNo, he’s in the shower.”

Salesman: β€œWhat about your mother? Can I see her?”

Johnny: β€œNope. She’s in the shower, too.”

Salesman: β€œDo you think they’ll be out soon?”

Johnny: β€œDoubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him superglue instead.”

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Two sperm swimming side by side were having a conversation.

One sperm asked the other, β€œHow far till we reach the Fallopian tubes?”

The other replied, β€œNo sure, but we just passed the esophagus.”

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What’s more fun than a kiss under the mistletoe?

Unwrapping a package under the Christmas tree.

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Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, β€œAt last, they’re finally together.”

Her sister sitting in the front row said, β€œExcuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?”

The priest replied, β€œI mean her legs.”

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, β€œWell, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”

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