Dirty Jokes



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Dirty Jokes


Remember, Christmas isnโ€™t about how big the tree is, or whatโ€™s under it.

Itโ€™s about whoโ€™s around it.

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Why do elves laugh when they run?

Because the snow tickles their balls.

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Why is Santa so damn jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty women live.

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An old woman walked into a dentistโ€™s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, โ€œI think you have the wrong room.โ€

โ€œYou put in my husbandโ€™s teeth last week,โ€ she replied. โ€œNow you have to remove them.โ€

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โ€œI bet you canโ€™t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,โ€ a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, โ€œYour penis is bigger than your brotherโ€™s.โ€

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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, โ€œNo honey for you for one month!โ€

Later that afternoon, Johnnyโ€™s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.

โ€œThatโ€™s it! No butter for you for one month!โ€ says his dad.

Later that evening, as Johnnyโ€™s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, โ€œAre you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?โ€

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There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

The next morning, an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads โ€œIf you can catch me, you can have meโ€.

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

After this, he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.

The next morning, an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.

Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says โ€œIf I catch you, youโ€™re mine!โ€

The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

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Why does Mrs. Claus call her lap the chimney?

So Santa will go down.

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What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dickโ€™s hanging out.

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Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time.

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