Enjoy our team's carefully selected Dirty One-Liner. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”
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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has a pleasure.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
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“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!”
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
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So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.
Apparently, “I do” is not the correct answer.
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I’m 45 years old, and I just bought my very first sports car.
My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.
But what would she know? She’s only 18.
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Last night on ESPN, I was watching Women’s beach volleyball.
About three minutes into the game, there was a really bad wrist injury.
The doctor said I should be fine in a few days though.
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Today, a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.
Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
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Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up... if you’re not in prison.
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Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time.
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer, it’s “art” and “music”.
But when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”.
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If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment.
If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be $6.50 a minute.
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Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
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Got an e-mail today from a ‘bored housewife 33, looking for some action!’.
I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
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The only reason the term “Ladies first” was invented was for the guy to check out the woman’s ass.
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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.
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I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
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I was so poor as a child that
If I didn’t wake up with a hard on Christmas Day, I didn’t have anything to play with.
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Remember, Christmas isn’t about how big the tree is, or what’s under it.
It’s about who’s around it.
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They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
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I'’m dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.
She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.
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Some call a 69 nasty.
Some see it as a nice romantic dinner for 2.
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