Sex Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Sex Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”

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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has a pleasure.

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

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Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up... if you’re not in prison.

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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong...

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How does Santa practice safe sex?

He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

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How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”

The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

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They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

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I'‌’m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes—meet me in the car park.”

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When two people have sex, it’s a twosome. When three people have sex, it’s a threesome.

Now I know why people call you handsome.

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Yo Mama is so nasty, I had phone sex with her, and she gave me an ear infection.

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