Enjoy our team's carefully selected Long Jokes for Adults. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home—for free!”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”
The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
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There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
The next morning, an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads “If you can catch me, you can have me”.
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this, he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning, an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
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One day, two best friends—Jay and Bob—were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s leg and bit his dick.
Since no one was around for miles, Bob called a hospital and told the doctor, “Quick, quick, I need your help, my friend got bit by a snake on his penis.”
The doctor told him, “Son, you’re going to have to suck the venom out yourself.”
Bob asked, “Please, doctor, there has to be another way to get rid of the venom.”
The doctor says, “Sorry, there’s nothing we can do.”
So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there, Jay says with pain, “So what did the doctor say?”
Bob says, “Doctor said you’re going to die.”
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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
“If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked.
“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
“Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked, and my clothes are gone!”
“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do... he’s in too far.”
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good!”
And April fell back asleep.
A while later, the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “very good!”
And April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time, April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!”
The Teacher fainted.
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While teaching a class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
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One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts; I guess I should see a doctor.”
“Don’t do that! There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ￡10.”
Jeffrey figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the ￡10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”
Late that evening, whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited ￡10.00.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter’s using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife’s pregnant, with twin boys. They aren’t yours, get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!”
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A poor man meets a rich man at Christmas.
The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?”
The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.”
The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?”
The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings, then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”
The poor man nods.
Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?”
The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asks, “Why those two things?”
The poor man astutely responds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”
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Three guys decide to stop for a drink after work on Christmas Eve.
One thing leads to another, and they end up barhopping all night.
While going to one last place, they get in a terrible accident and all three are killed.
They find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter tells them, “Boys, you’re in luck. Since it’s Christmas, we have a special policy. Show me anything that shows that you’re celebrating the day, and you get into Heaven.”
One guy pulls out his lighter and flicks it, “Christmas candle!”
St. Peter: “OK, it’s a stretch, but you’re in.”
The second guy pulls out his keys and jingles them, “Christmas bells!”
St. Peter: “Whatever, you’re in.”
The third guy pulls a pair of women’s panties out of his pocket.
St. Peter says, “Hold up. I’m willing to stretch a point today, but what do panties have to do with Christmas?”
Guy: “They’re Carol’s.”
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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work.
One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God, hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled at her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. He started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective.
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes,” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside, “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes,” he answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”
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A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys—one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...”
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This guy had devoted his whole working life to his job in a pickle factory.
Then one day, he got home from work and told his wife he’d been fired from his job.
She was very upset at this and angry at the company he’d worked for, shouting, “You’ve given that firm twenty years of devoted service. Why the hell did they fire you?”
The guy explained, “For the whole twenty years I worked there I’ve been tempted to stick my John Thomas in the pickle slicer, and today I finally did it!”
The wife screamed in horror and ran over to her husband. Then she pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. She let out a big sigh of relief.
“You look okay,” she said. “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”
The guy said, “They fired her, too.”
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A man went to the doctor because he was having problems with premature ejaculation.
“Try surprising yourself when you feel like you’re about to ejaculate,” the doctor said.
That following day, the man went to the store, purchased a starter gun, and dashed home to his wife.
That night, the two were making love and ended up in position 69.
The man felt the need to ejaculate and pulled out the starting pistol.
The next day, he returned to the doctor, who inquired about his progress.
The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my manhood, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
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