Enjoy our team's carefully selected Dirty Christmas Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why isn’t Santa able to ejaculate?
His balls are hanging in the tree.
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Regular Santa: “Ho, ho, ho!”
Gay Santa: “Haaaayyy, haaaayyy, haaayyy!”
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After all these years, how do Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus keep the marriage fresh?
Toys.
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What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenage boy?
They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.
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Why is Santa so damn jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty women live.
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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, send me your mother.”
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A poor man meets a rich man at Christmas.
The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?”
The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.”
The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?”
The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings, then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”
The poor man nods.
Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?”
The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asks, “Why those two things?”
The poor man astutely responds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”
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I was so poor as a child that
If I didn’t wake up with a hard on Christmas Day, I didn’t have anything to play with.
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Three guys decide to stop for a drink after work on Christmas Eve.
One thing leads to another, and they end up barhopping all night.
While going to one last place, they get in a terrible accident and all three are killed.
They find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter tells them, “Boys, you’re in luck. Since it’s Christmas, we have a special policy. Show me anything that shows that you’re celebrating the day, and you get into Heaven.”
One guy pulls out his lighter and flicks it, “Christmas candle!”
St. Peter: “OK, it’s a stretch, but you’re in.”
The second guy pulls out his keys and jingles them, “Christmas bells!”
St. Peter: “Whatever, you’re in.”
The third guy pulls a pair of women’s panties out of his pocket.
St. Peter says, “Hold up. I’m willing to stretch a point today, but what do panties have to do with Christmas?”
Guy: “They’re Carol’s.”
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Remember, Christmas isn’t about how big the tree is, or what’s under it.
It’s about who’s around it.
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Why does Mrs. Claus call her lap the chimney?
So Santa will go down.
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How does Mrs. Claus make Santa feel better after a long night carrying so many heavy gifts?
She empties his sack.
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What’s more fun than a kiss under the mistletoe?
Unwrapping a package under the Christmas tree.
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Why does Santa’s crotch make noise when he walks?
He has jingle balls.
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Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Because she’s married to a guy who comes once a year.
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Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickles their balls.
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How does Santa practice safe sex?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.
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A wife walked in on her husband putting on a condom.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
He replied, “Wrapping your Christmas present!”
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What do you call a sex toy on a Christmas tree?
A dickoration.
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What does a man who had a vasectomy have in common with a Christmas tree?
Their balls are both decorative.
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Why does Santa always have a full sack?
Because he only comes once a year!
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Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
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What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
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What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls?
A white Christmas!
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