Enjoy our team's carefully selected Short Jokes for Adults. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.
The first one says, “My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal.”
The second one says, “That’s nothing. My daddy can eat six.”
Little Jonny starts laughing and says, “My Daddy can eat light bulbs.”
The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks his daddy can eat light bulbs.
Little Jonny replies, “Last night I was passing my parent’s room and my daddy said ‘Honey, turn out that light. I want to eat that thing’.”
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A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”
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Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.
A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.
At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At last, they’re finally together.”
Her sister sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?”
The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”
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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has a pleasure.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
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What is a long, wide thing that men carry hanging in front of it?
Tie.
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What goes in hard and dry, then comes out wet and soft?
Chewing gum.
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“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!”
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
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After many faithful years as a Christian, John’s dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.
At the wedding, he walks over to his best friend for advice.
“Hey man! What is it that I’m supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?”
“Ah, that’s simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees.”
“Ah! Thanks dude!”
“No problem!”
Later that night, John took his bowling ball and put it in the toilet.
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A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home.
The man asks how his father is settling in.
“Oh, it’s wonderful, son. I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a Viagra before bed every night”.
When, leaving, curious to know about the Viagra, he asks a nurse.
“Excuse me, my dad told me that you serve him hot chocolate and a Viagra before bed every night, why?”
The nurse replies, “Oh, the hot chocolate is to help them fall asleep.”
“And the Viagra is to stop them rolling out of bed.”
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A man was sun bathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says snickering, “If you were a gentleman, you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly, it would lift itself.”
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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening, as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
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A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says, “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie?” the teacher asks. Susie says, “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
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Tell yo mamma to stop changing lipstick colors because she’s turning my dick into a rainbow.
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Yo momma’s such a slut that she sat on Pinocchio’s face and told him to tell a lie.
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Yo momma is so stupid, she put cat food down her pants to feed her pussy.
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So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.
Apparently, “I do” is not the correct answer.
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Yo mama so hairy, she has Afros on her nipples.
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Yo mama is like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods.
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Yo mama so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology from the condom factory.
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Your momma’s so ugly, when she goes into a strip club, they pay her to keep her clothes on.
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Yo momma so stupid, she stuck a battery up her behind and said, “I GOT THE POWER!”
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Yo mama so butch, her dick is bigger than mine.
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Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
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Yo mama is so ugly that she scared the crap out of the toilet.
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A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: “Can I see your dad?”
Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.”
Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?”
Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.”
Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?”
Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him superglue instead.”
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Why isn’t Santa able to ejaculate?
His balls are hanging in the tree.
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Regular Santa: “Ho, ho, ho!”
Gay Santa: “Haaaayyy, haaaayyy, haaayyy!”
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What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenage boy?
They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.
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Four men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, one of them died.
The other three decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.
The 1st man said, “I support Liverpool, so I’ll eat his liver.”
The 2nd man said, “I support Manchester, so I’ll eat his chest.”
The 3rd man said, “I support Arsenal... but I’m not very hungry.”
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went to watch a football match.
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My wife returned home from a round of golf and said she’d been injured.
She told me she’d be hit between the first and second holes.
To which I replied, “That doesn’t leave much room for a band aid.”
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Today, a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance.
Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
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What do tofu and dildos have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
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Two ADV riders camping out in a tent.
One of them crawls out to pee before bed.
Comes back all wet.
The other rider asks if it’s rainy outside.
“No, it’s windy.”
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Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up... if you’re not in prison.
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Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
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Got an e-mail today from a ‘bored housewife 33, looking for some action!’.
I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
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I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong...
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Why men’s voice is louder than women?
Men have an antenna.
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If a woman sleeps with 10 men, she’s a slut, but if a man does it... He’s gay, definitely gay.
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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, send me your mother.”
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Why does Mrs. Claus call her lap the chimney?
So Santa will go down.
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How does Mrs. Claus make Santa feel better after a long night carrying so many heavy gifts?
She empties his sack.
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What’s more fun than a kiss under the mistletoe?
Unwrapping a package under the Christmas tree.
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Why does Santa’s crotch make noise when he walks?
He has jingle balls.
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Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Because she’s married to a guy who comes once a year.
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Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickles their balls.
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How does Santa practice safe sex?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.
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A wife walked in on her husband putting on a condom.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
He replied, “Wrapping your Christmas present!”
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What do you call a sex toy on a Christmas tree?
A dickoration.
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What does a man who had a vasectomy have in common with a Christmas tree?
Their balls are both decorative.
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Why does Santa always have a full sack?
Because he only comes once a year!
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Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
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What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
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Why did the squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.
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How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”
The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
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What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls?
A white Christmas!
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An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.
The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.”
“You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
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Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
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If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
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How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
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A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?”
The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”
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“I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife.
She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”
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Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
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They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
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How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
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What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
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What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in.
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How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
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Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
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Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
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What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
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What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking about, it’s me she’s going to eat.
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I asked my wife, “So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty?”
And you know what she said?
“Please, for the love of God, could you stop wearing my bras!”
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Why do chickens wear underwear on their head?
Because their pecker is on their face.
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I'’m dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.
She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.
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My girlfriend said she was going to get a colonic.
Turns out, she was full of shit.
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We just found out Grandpa is now addicted to Viagra.
Nobody is taking it harder than Grandma.
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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes—meet me in the car park.”
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When two people have sex, it’s a twosome. When three people have sex, it’s a threesome.
Now I know why people call you handsome.
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My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now...
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but the librarian told me to take it out.
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Men at 25 play football.
Men at 40 play tennis.
Men at 60 play golf.
Have you noticed how as you get older, your balls get smaller?
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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives.
The carrot said, “My life sucks. When I get big and fat, they cut me up and cook me.”
The pickle said, “When I get big and fat, they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.”
The penis said, “When I get big and fat, they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!”
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Two sperm swimming side by side were having a conversation.
One sperm asked the other, “How far till we reach the Fallopian tubes?”
The other replied, “No sure, but we just passed the esophagus.”
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Yo mama so sexy, the door hit her on the way out.
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Yo Mama is so nasty, I had phone sex with her, and she gave me an ear infection.
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Yo mama so hot, she should sell hot dogs, because she already knows how to make a wiener stand.
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Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.
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Some call a 69 nasty.
Some see it as a nice romantic dinner for 2.
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Husband: “Hey honey, how about a 69 tonight?”
Wife: “The number you have dialed is not in service at this time.”
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“Dad, what is 69?” asks son.
Dad: “Well, son, it is a position where a man and a women pleasure each other orally.
Son: “So what shall I write? Odd or even?”
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Do you know how to say ‘I love you’ while sixty-nine?
You don’t, it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.
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What do the mafia and 69 have in common?
A slip of the tongue and you’re in for some shit.
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What comes after 69?
Mouthwash.
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What do Asians call 69?
Two can chew.
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Some time ago, a young Chinese couple married.
“Okay, dear husband, my mother suggested that I should please you tonight,” the bride replies quietly on her wedding night. “Please tell me what you want.”
“To be honest... I would like... 69,” the groom admits nervously after a little minute of thought.
And the bride says, “You want Beef with Broccoli?”
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So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69.
The boy doesn’t know about 69, so the girl takes the lead.
He lies down on the floor, and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed, she stands up and apologizes.
She squats down for another go, but farts again, this time even louder than before. She gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend, red with anger, gets up hurriedly, and runs out saying, “If you think I’m gonna lie there and be farted 67 more times in my face, you are mad!”
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Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
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